“My name is <name removed>. I’m a former New York Jets player that is now working as a Recruiter. I have over 20 million resumes for all different industries. Do you have any job opening at your company? If so, Can I send you over a resume?”
What does being a pro ball player have to do with recruiting? I am neither impressed nor care that you were a ballplayer, but that’s me and I digress, my apologies dear reader.
20 million resumes – really? What type of service do you offer either the candidates or your clients? What are you going to give me, a keyword search?
Hint: I can do that myself, here on LinkedIn and probably get a better selection.
Have you talked to any of these 20 million candidates!? Are they a) real, b) still looking, c) able to work legally? Have you also vetted them to some extent as to whether they are the requisite knowledge to perform the jobs to which they are applying (not degrees, not post nominal letters, real-life verifiable experience!)?
Next up in my critique of your email (some may say rant and they would have some credence to that claim) is your total lack of any investigation of my company. You asked if I have any openings. [Rant – correct English would be job openings plural, not singular].
You didn’t even spend the time to investigate my company and see what we are about, what our needs might be or even limit your offer to key types of positions that all companies would employ (remember you have “20 million resumes for all different industries”).
I’m not sure what the value proposition is here for my company. Is it that you are a former pro-ball player? Is it that you have a database of unknown quality of resumes? Is it that you didn’t spend any time to figure out what type of company I am?
If this was Marketing 101 (by the way, I was a college adjunct for 10 years, so I’ve graded enough exams and papers) and the assignment was to write a blind e-mail to sell your business (yourself) to a potential customer, I’d have to give you a failing grade.
I hope you have learned something and wish you luck in your new career.